There's this song I downloaded ages ago.

It's a God-song, the type you sing at retreats when you wish for your soul to be cleansed and whatnot.

Well it's driving me crazy.

And I'm sorry to say it's not the good kind. Lord, forgive me, but it just... POPS out at the most inconvenient times when I have my iTunes on.

For some reason, I can't explain why. Why it bugs me so much, and why I hadn't deleted it all those times I had to click next. Perhaps, because of the tune?

Maybe my ears despise the monotonic drawling of Hillsong, and the dead-giveaway of a worship concert from the sounds of the poor recording.

The thing is, though, I think it's my soul that's got to do with most of it. But the stuff about the poor recording and tune could be partly true.

Hmm.

God-songs help cleanse the soul. They cleanse my soul when I want them to, when I'm in the right place and at the right time.

Yes, my ears complain because the song isn't my style at all.

But maybe... maybe the real reason I get so irritated, and never bother to finish the song is because my soul is denying the need to be cleansed.

I honestly did this a while ago. No kidding.

The damned intro of Hillsong's "From the Inside Out" wafted through the speakers, and I decided it was high-time to get it over with. I turned up the volume and lay down on my bed.

Listened.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains, and should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace

... and then stuff I couldn't understand.

Tas when it came to the chorus,

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out

I don't know. I cried.

It was like God was opening something in me like an engineer would open the floodgates of a dam.

And just like the way hydroelectric energy is harnessed from moving turbines in the dam walls, my soul was being jolted from its lethargy.

Yuck. Physics.

In any case, I cried.

I cried about how stupid I am to think so little of others.

Cried about how stupid I am to think so little of myself.

Cried about how I have so much in me that I never got to use in seventeen effing years, and how I spoiled so many good things I could've gotten along the way.

And I cried about how others have so much in themselves, too, and just let stuff get in the way from them seeing it.

Then our helper had to enforce her excellent timing with hair-splitting precision, knocking on the door to ask, "Dan, anong gusto mong kainin?"

Good thing I had the sense to lock it before all the waterworks.

So yun, I'm going down to eat in a while. Another long entry, another glimpse into my "life", and no Ateneo essay yet. But I'll be working on it. The life part, AND the Ateneo essay.

Thank you Holy Spirit, for the bonk on the head.