Hahaha benta talaga kagabi. Thanks Angge for the awesome time.

Ah. Awesome na pala.

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I turned out to be diabetic by next week. May sweet-tooth ba ako?

Are you kidding me?

Kung ang papa ko na kumain kanina ng cinnamon roll at chocolate cake dribbled with caramel sauce at kape ay may sweet-tooth, ako naman ay ang dakilang sweet-stomach. Sweet-digestive system? Sweet-body?

Yeah. Anyway, here's what I've been mulling over since last night. Some people... are just born lucky. And then some have the innate ability to mold themselves to perfection.

I consented the fact long ago that I stand nowhere near the two. There's me... and there's the long-legged, bright-eyed, intelligent goddess with the luscious hair who's everyone's best friend (Juniors, kilala nating lahat kung sino to diba? Mhmm).

And the thing is, I can't even bring myself to hate her! Not that I go around hunting down things to hate about someone. In fact, she's that kind of person who makes you want to know her without even trying (oo, dinagdag ko 'to ). But if a person is immaculately nice and kind and smart and beautiful at the same time, it gets hard not to think that God... can get pretty unfair sometimes.

I try not to, I try really hard, and I know it isn't true. But looking at people like that could make you think otherwise, right? Well. I love God, and I know He loves me. They say you should love everything God loves, so I guess I should love myself, too. Just the way I am.

*sigh*

That's a lot of hard work.

I started this entry at around 6 and saved it before going to mass. And playing with Julian's fingers during the Gospel, I heard the ringing words God surely sent me from His very mouth:

It is the Spirit that gives life; the flesh is useless.

...

Okay Lord, I know that. I get that looks don't count and that true beauty is in what cannot be seen. But You should know that I don't idolize just anyone because of the physical aspects. Good looks and a great personality on someone else just adds to my misery!

...The words I spoke to you are spirit and life. Yet among you are some who do not  believe. . . . This is why I have told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.

...

Right. I should've known God would answer like that. But I know better than to give Him credit for my distress. The devil is the Master of the material world, after all.

I am a very competitive person. And sometimes, I take comfort in knowing that I have a vantage point over others, that I have traits that surpass theirs. And I know that this attitude is terribly wrong, and I'm telling you this because I simply acknowledge its demerit.

But what bites most about this outlook is that we people who must be higher than others... truly feel like the lowest possible piece of wretched, wasting, unpleasant scum we are - deep inside, that is.

In my case, I mask my insecurity with the drive to achieve, all the while thriving on the words of others along the way.

There's your basic psychology:

People who crave praise from others are those who can't accept praise from themselves.

I don't have the emotional back-up to say that I lack love in my life, therefore I need to feed on it from someone else. No. All my life, my experiences account to just short of a perfect existence. Never any parental pressure, family tragedies, financial difficulties, divorce, nor traumatic break-ups (hell no). There's just that unexplainable thirst that needs to be quenched, and that feeling that you can never measure up to anyone around you.

Man.

All this self-esteem deficit comically echoes through video or audio recordings of myself. Sometimes even through pictures. Whenever I see (or hear) one feeling ko ang plastic plastic ko. Or maybe it's just me being vain.

Lord, biyayain mo ako ng paghilom. Ayoko na.

Kanina...

"What is the hottest planet in the solar system?"

"Dannie."

...

 Heto nanaman tayo.